Do i have anything to say?

It seems i've gone thru phases of having lots to say, but not doing it.  Now that i'm doing it, i doubt i have much to say.

Hard to believe i've not written in a week.  These pics are just random from my file as i've not taken many pics lately either.


We have done things.  We had Nina & her family here to dinner on Friday & i very much enjoyed it.

However, i'm faced with the fact that i'm in more pain, constant but not severe pain, & i can't do as much as i was doing even a couple of months ago.  I was listening to a video by Dr. Cheney who has done a lot of research with CFS/CFIDS.  I didn't find it very reassuring, but it is good to know there is a physical cause for this & i'm not just creating it in my brain.  I don't even know why i'm getting worse as i'm doing all the right things with bad food out, diet of good food, & using supplements.  


But i don't WANT to lose any more functioning & i WANT to be able to socialize, so i'm feeling rather desperate.  It seems to me that life would be very dark if i couldn't go with Duane to OC any more or if i couldn't work any more.  I am NOT Gitz, much as i admire her. 

I DID tell my MIL Jeanet about the CFS/CFIDS last week, tho i put it in terms of Diastolic Dysfunction rather than fatigue, because everyone gets tired & so they often don't understand the level of fatigue i'm experiencing.  I had to do it because 1. I was afraid she would think me just lazy & 2. I cannot do a weekend like the last one again.  She seemed to understand at some level, although she probably still does not.  But now if i return to the house & have to lie down right away, we can say, "This is what Kathryn was telling you about her limitations."  I also need to stop pushing myself so hard in OC so that i will "look normal."

I also had a conversation with Duane telling him that i have gotten worse & that we need to find something to do about this.  He didn't want to hear it, i know, & i feel badly that he has to live with this every day.  But i also can't keep pushing even tho i want to.  Of course, that brings up some real questions as we have been entertaining more, because i WANT to & i deeply desire to build more relationships with people.  Facebook, & blogging & email just don't seem to be doing that.  Maybe i'm going about it in the wrong way.  


I also don't want to become a constant complainer.  I hate to think that i am.

  In the past couple of years i've tried a Naturopathic Doctor, a Concierge Doctor, & a Wellness Clinic.  Each time $200 or more out of pocket.  I've also done acupuncture regularly for a year or more, & i still get CranioSacral regularly (usually once a month).  I've kind of been spinning my wheels because there are several alternative or integrative medicine docs or clinics in OC, but just to simply see the doctor to try & figure out if they understand the problems & can address them can be $200-400 out of pocket.  I don't mind that if the doc is someone i can work with & who will help, but imagine doing that 10 times trying to find someone!  I get overwhelmed just thinking about it & trying to make a decision based on their web-site.  


Although, now that i think about it, my beginning to swirl downward seemed to start back when i stopped doing regular acupuncture.  

So, i've bit the bullet & made an appointment  with a doc a friend of mine sees.  Dear friend Cindy has had a lot of success with an integrative medicine group in OC.  I had tried one before that just didn't seem to "get it."  I may need to return to acupuncture too.  

So, i guess i had plenty to say but none of it very pleasant or uplifting.  I'd prefer to write happy, funny posts.  I think that i'm grieving & trying to accept my life (& childlessness continues to be part of that grief).  So, i've not had much to say 'cause i'd prefer not to be so negative.  I like to think of myself as a realistic optimist, but i've struggled with the "optimistic" part recently.

There it is.  Such as it is.  

It is hot in OC.  I'm dreading it, but down we go tomorrow.  :)

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Source: http://kateekat.blogspot.com/2010/08/do-i-have-anything-to-say.html