Home.

Fuck home.

That was and still is my “attitude” about moving back east. There was a time in my life when I had no friends, hated my family, hated school, hated everything. This was incredibly hard on me. I think this era of my life is what caused my attitude of hated toward most people. It is still a problem today. Since then, I still have problems asking anyone for help in anything and I have very serious trust issues when it comes to people, which is usually a problem in my line of work.

As much as I do not want to admit it, I miss home. Only sometimes though. During the last few days, certain things that I see around are reminding me of home. Now I do not know if this is because I am just thinking about home more so I am constantly being reminded or if these reminders are in fact legit. Today I was at work I was slaving away in the sun on a fence painting and I thought, “Man, I wish I could call dad for some help on this. He would probably come and help me right away or at least give me some pointers on how I could go about doing it”. Now is this something a man who hates his home would normally think of?

Constant reminders of friends, family, just random fucking people from my town are driving me insane. I guess it is really true when people say that you cannot run from your past. Believe me, I’ve tried. I repressed any memory of home and have not talked to anyone for as long as I can. Just lately, this has been happening. It is not just me either. Tonight a girl from my town texted me confessing her love to me stating that she made a mistake in not taking me when she had the chance. Looks like I won that battle. Directly after I got a message from a best friend back home saying that he just discovered this blog and read the whole thing, telling me that he has noticed my growth and is glad to see me writing. Thank you for this.

So much overwhelming stress is piling up on me right now just from troubles with work, stress of school, stress of money, stress of girls, stress of life, stress of career. Suddenly I am starting to understand what the fuck was going through Kurt Cobain’s head all these years. Am I losing my fucking mind?

Sometimes I just need to be left alone. Everyone does. It just seems that lately I have been needed to be left alone even more. This is the first thing I have written since my last entry. I have so much going on in my head that I cant even write. Am I lonely? Am I fucked up? Am I homesick? Or am I already bored of my life?

I knew this was going to be a problem. I think that because I have always hated the idea of family that once things start to go good I look for a way out or something that is wrong with it to make me feel better, when it goes sour. I think this arose from me never really being happy about anything. Things are going good in London now. I have built a new family and new group of friends and things are looking good. But it seems like I am looking for a way out. It has already started. I have broken it off with my girlfriend, and looked for a reason to exclude one friend. When I am on the computer on facebook one moment the next I am researching my escape to another city.

I hope that one day I can be content, find a fucking balance, and be happy.

Wait, what the fuck is happy? Is it real or is it just created by advertisers so that I want the new iPhone? That is another story.


Source: http://suchafuck.blogspot.com/2010/08/home.html