It's out in the open.

                 Dear
Diary,

This is a very confusing time for
me. I live under the impression that I have no one to confide in because deem
no one that I know, worthy of being confided in. The fact that I know that I live
under this ‘impression’ reeks of narcissism and also speaks volumes about my
present mental state. I know that I want to talk to people but self restraint
and my overall lack of trust in the human race stops me from making any
progress. At best, the only thing that increases in my world is the distance
between me and the people I call my friends.

I also know that I’m capable of
doing a lot of things, new things and things that I already do, but can do
better. Other people also recognise this and the fact that so many of them
speak out about it just drives me up the wall. There was once a time when I loved
large gatherings of people, it became a place to swap tales and learn about new
things; now I despise crowds and parties. Anything new and not tested before
scares me. I know that I take music seriously but something keeps my finger on
the ‘next’ button whenever an unfamiliar song comes up on my iPod.

I love people but I refuse to
acknowledge that. For some twisted reason that even I cannot understand, I am
unable to answer that question. I seek more, but of what I know not. I see
myself as an amalgamation of people whose qualities I secretly admire, but on
the sly and whose presence I will not acknowledge. I want, but do not know why.
I want to proofread this post before I post it but I know that I’ll do that
later, after it’s up on my blog and will then be too lazy to make any changes.

The monsoon is on, it was my
favourite season until this year when, again, for a reason I do knot know, I despise
the rain.

Meeting people just leaves me
more confused any cynical than I was before. Maybe I need a change of season or
a change of scene.

Or maybe I just need to worry
less and get on with things more.

Che. We’ll see.

PS – Heard on the phone: ‘Architecture is manipulation of man’s
surroundings’.