Life After Death (Part 1)

So Dad has passed away and the funeral and burial is history. A week later, hubby left for an overseas business trip for a week. That was OK. It allowed me a lot of me time with no added pressure.

It feels like a lot has happened since Dad passed away that I'm having trouble assimilating. Mom's response to his passing was to embark on a major mission of decluttering. Numerous items have left the house as Mom has no need for them: Dad's clothes, coats, hats, his monitor, his guns and probably more. This actually began in the few days following the burial when I was actually in the house. Even so, my being made aware of what was being given away has only happened after the fact. Even while at Mom's house we had a conversation about my feeling like I'm an afterthought and that I would like to be included as a part of the process not as someone who needed to be informed after things had been given away. I thought I was pretty clear in that but things have continued to migrate out of the house with me finding out through conversations with other people.

I suggested while still in my post-funeral visit that decluttering might be possible without actually giving everything away. My suggestion was that things be categorized and boxed up so that after about a month had gone by we could all go through the box for things that might hold special meaning or memories. After that the boxes of stuff could be donated. I have actually reiterated this suggestion 2 or 3 times since. I feel I have spoken enough.

I have a wonderful SIL who has been ever so gracious as I have spoken to her and expressed my frustrations. Her understanding has led to my DB trying to be more sensitive to my position and encouraging me to take time out to make more trips back to see if there is anything I want. The only problem with that is that I have kids and a hubby who really want to get back into a regular routine. My making trips out of state don't lend to that and don't lend to me getting some assemblance of routine back into my life.

I'm surprised at my tendency to feel like this is all happening too quickly. Why do we have to be giving things away now? What is wrong with organizing and storing them until the loss is not so new? Maybe Mom won't have any regrets in the future but it seems that getting rid of things so soon after a loss could result in some regrets in the future.

When it comes down to it, I guess my best option is to accept the fact that things will be given away and I will not be as much a part of the process as my brothers. As things are given away and as I think of those things that help me to remember Dad, I will simply make a list of them. I am not without means and I can acquire similar items in an effort to remember Dad.

I can use those feelings of being left out to focus on my life now and the friends and family who are keeping in touch, who care about how I feel and whose actions show that they care.

Everyone deals with death differently. Unfortunately that means that most people are focused on themselves and not on those around them. Backing off could mean that I will feel more pain but will allow everyone else to engage in their process of mourning and healing in whatever way works best for them without interference. The pain won't be as bad if I accept it as an opportunity for growth.