The Secret of Anastasia, Part 2

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Previously on The Secret of Anastasia...

.oO(Great, I was once the Tsar of All the Russias, now I'm a comic relief tuba.)

Hire a one-man band?

"Silence, lowly free-reed instrument!"

I mean seriously, the harp is wearing a God-damned crown on her head! How has Anastasia not figured out who they are yet?

"Oh, one day people will accept our love..."

Why is the harp wearing a scarf? Is she cold?

"La la la, I'm not listening..."

Did Anastasia just call her "dear heart"?

"Yeah thanks, I was hoping for something a little more specific..."

More confusing than talking to a family of inanimate objects?

"Or whenever it's convenient to the plot, whichever comes first."

"Is that the same voice that tells me to go out and kill people?"

You're talking to a harp; I think you're hearing one too many voices already.

"Great, where did you get that from, a Hallmark card?"

Oh no, Savion Glover!

They're not being very secret about it.

"Open up this instant or we'll knock some more!"

"Ow, ow, my endpin!"

"Dammit, we would have had her if we hadn't taken time to set up the backlighting!"

"Annoying comic relief blathering!"

Thank you!

Unfortunately it turns into the stairwell from Inception...

Are they on an escalator?

Wait, weren't they already on the top floor? Where did they just run upstairs too?

"We need a barricade! Grab everything that isn't painted into the background!"

Yeah, that'll hold them off.

"Use the mattress skirt instead!"

Chekov? So they're going to show her a gun in the first act and then shoot her with it in the third?

"This is not my beautiful house! This is not my beautiful wife!"

"Do you have any idea what the Cheka do to folk instruments? Do you?"

"Hey, I wanted to use you to barricade the door, but noooo...."

"Wow, those are some strong throw pillows."

"I just soiled my reed block!"

What are you, a silent film heroine?

"Can this wait? I'm bemoaning..."

"Oh, if there were only another exit from this room..."

Goosedown everywhere! Look out!

Good thing the curtain was made of elastic...and attached to a nearby glider...

No, you'll kill the aerial contortionist!

They were pulverized on impact, the end.

...Or, they decided to reenact an action sequence from Temple of Doom.

You can sled with a tuba? I knew it was a mistake taking up the flute instead!

"Hey, that looks like fun! Let's call off this chase and have a snow day!"

Um, unless they're suddenly airborne, you're pointing the wrong way.

Man, Stalin's purge cannot come soon enough...

No shit, Sherlockovich.

And they sled right into Jack Frost!

It's like the world's worst IMAX movie.

Well, good thing that Cool Whip was there.

Yay, the wolves killed and devoured them!

"Great, my resonating chamber is warped now."

I'm gonna go with "what."

"Also, I've got a pinecone stuck up my F-hole."

"Yeah great--I seem to be missing my leg, do any of you see where it landed?"

"We'll soon die of hypothermia, but we esacaped! Yay!"

Narnia, from the looks of it.

"There are laws against wannabe Disney Princesses now!"

Yeah, a bunch of magical objects inhabited by the souls of the dead. There's no way any government would ever want to get their hands on that...

"But I left my iPhone there!"

The old guy with the bird hat in Labyrinth gave better advice than her.

I'm sure they'll find shelter soon; how big can Russia be, anyway?

"Um, can I sing a nauseatingly twee song about this first?"

That's right; it's so damn cold in Russia it snows even on clear days.

Thomas was very cross with the Bolsheviks because they had sent him to Siberia...

"Mo-om, her tuning pegs keep poking me!"

...That just sounded wrong.

"Don't make me turn this train around!"

Incognito? How many girls have an entourage of talking instruments?

"Or is it that Italian sauce with the peppers?"

"I mean, if even the tuba's comic pratfalls can't cheer you up..."

"The moldy draperies, the smashed mirrors, the vermin-infested mattress...I'll miss them all so much!"

"Now I have to find a brand new hovel!"

"Right, I'm an amnesiac orphan pursued by the police for reasons I don't understand and my only friends are a sentient chamber orchestra. Life's just peachy."

"Where did my nose go?"

Anime girls are looking at her eyes and saying "Daaaaaaaamn..."

With Retsin.

"There's no crying in Russia!"

Special guest appearance by The Luggage!

"That sonuvabitch Vorelli locked me in here again!"

She's easily led by strange talking objects.

"...Uh, I'm laundry!"

The trunk was a general? No wonder the Romanovs fell...

"But I'm not the dead Tsar, really!"

"Well, you can't spell 'untrustworthy' without 'trustworthy'..."

In Russia, luggage carries you!

That's not a general; that's the lead dancer from The Nutcracker!

"Oh hey, triplets!"

"My God, your eyes are freaky."

"Would you say you're the model of a modern major general?"

"Yeah, very funny. My brother was shot by the Bolsheviks, you bitch."

Oh, please let this be like The Christmas Toy and they're frozen forever now...

"And the boobs of Catherine the Great."

"I don't know, do you hang out in any other suitcases?"

"Yeah, I'm loosely modeled after the heroine in that other Anastasia cartoon, but not enough that I can get sued for copyright violation."

It's raining Samsonite!

"My head seems to have gotten in the way of your carry-on."

"You're kidding! My name is Anastasia!"

"I'm saying you're good. Don't you have eardrums?"

"But she moved away last fall."

"I also like beating around the bush endlessly, as you may have guessed."

"And since you have the same first name, you're obviously pretending to be her!"

What is this: Law and Order: Special Royals Unit?

*ding* Plot point established!

"No, ten million pounds of Sterling Plumbing kitchen and bath fixtures."

"What was that, Tuba?"
"Uuuuh, I said, I'm not your daddy's ghost!"

"Look, could you save some of the exposition for later? We've still got about forty minutes to kill."

"They just can't seem to wear those pointy hats right."

"Or anything else, really."

"She was dumber than a bag of hammers and sickles, after all."

"Sorry, just establishing our early contention so that we can squabble with each other before eventually falling in love."

She'll take any identity she can find, I guess.

Yeah, said the talking concertina.

She has the entire Twilight saga on her bookshelf, I bet.

"Ditch your possessed instruments and we can work something out."

"Excellent well: you are a fishmonger."

"Male escorts..."

My Fair Lame-dy

"I'll throw in the Magic Bullet Juicer absolutely free!"

"I'm sorry, I never haggle with brass instruments."

"By the way, how did you make your voice lower by two octaves and come from all the way across the room like that?"

"It's a medical condition, comes and goes."

"And by 'negotiating skills,' I mean 'rack'."

"Pay no attention to the man inside the tuba."

Wait wait, I know this one...um...to get to the other side?

"Wait, do you believe I'm the real Anastasia or not? Let's settle that before we go any further, okay?

It's a well-known fact you can always find missing royalty in luggage.

"Oh wait, you were speaking metaphorically, weren't you?"

"Good, now can you help me find my nose?"

Why is the conductor taking tickets in the baggage car, anyway?

"River City Iowa, next station!"

What, she'll jump off a forty foot building and slide down a hill but the train is too much for her?

"No wait, I'm thinking of my American Express card."

"Nothing much, just my clarion and my grand piano."

o/...Waaaaah waaah waaaaaaaah...o/

Such wit. I can't wait to hear it repeated in the next chapter.

Capped by TheDiva

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