Early last week, while out on a run, pretty much all I could think about was getting some sort of sweet refreshing relief. I was really doggin’ it up a hill in my neighborhood, and I suddenly had an urge for a certain drink. Usually it’s just cold water, but not today. It wasn’t light blue Gatorade, nor a vodka martini extra dirty up, either. The Kool-Aid man could not burst through my wall of thirst, and I knew grape drink wouldn’t cut it.
I craved a frosty root beer...
While thinking about which root beer I would want to get my hands on the most, I began to wonder how my root beer hierarchy holds up after all these years. Knowing that most of my friends similarly loved root beer in their younger years before becoming alcoholics, I decided to write on and publish my findings here for your benefit. To complete the rankings, I investigated the origins and reviewed A&W, Barq’s, Boylan’s, Dominion, Hires, IBC, Jones’, Main Street, Mug, Stewart’s and Virgil’s root beers. Wonder where your favorite stacks up? On to the rankings!
Dead Last: Mug
History: Mug root beer was first brewed by Analingus County, Arkansas resident, Cleetus Morgan, after consuming four servings of his Gammy’s famous Hot-Possum Chili. Recognizing Morgan’s concoction for its potential as a lead paint corrosive, PepsiCo bought the recipe in 1986. While searching for a viable root beer brand to insert into its line-up of sodas, a brand executive consumed it as a drink on a triple-dog dare, and Mug brand root beer has been a staple of the soda aisle since.
How does it taste, mothertrucker? This disaster of a soft drink is certainly the bottom rung of root beers, and one would be hard-pressed to find a lesser beverage of any variety. As per most Pepsi products, the lowest quality ingredients are used, and it shows. The first thing anyone notices when drinking Mug is the painful sting of over-carbonated, sweetened preservatives and food dyes. I would recommend that anyone looking for a refreshing drink should stay far, far away from Mug. Even Special Ed himself, a fan of Mug, said this of the brand: “Mug is good too, but it always leaves a nasty aftertaste in my mouth.” I think that goes a long way in explaining what Mug is about. The last time I had a Mug root beer was quite a long time ago, and was not a very pleasant event:
My friends and I were hanging out at one of our houses, and I was given the choice of either Mountain Dew or Mug root beer. I wished that Crab Juice was a choice, but I chose Mountain Dew. Upon returning with my selection, my friend, who had kindly opened my drink for me, handed it to me and I took a sip. I immediately tasted that horribly weak root beer-ish flavor and knew they switched the Mountain Dew out with Mug. I flew into a white rage, but no justice was served because I had to sprint to the bathroom to avoid vomiting all over his carpet.
I never did get my revenge on them, or perhaps I did…Anyway, I wrote this section while dropping a Jumbo Stink Nasty. (Read: Huge Dump)
11. Jones’
History: Jones’ root beer traces its uh, roots, to a group of lumberjacks in the province of Victoria, Canada. After a various failed experiments in creating a unique, sweet beverage that they could make and drink while on the job, they discovered mixing sassafras roots and leaves, syrup from maple trees, and their own sweat created a refreshing beverage upon which they could all agree. Jones’ is probably more famous for its quirky flavors (you used to be able to order a Thanksgiving flavor pack that included turkey and mashed potatoes or Christmas flavors like candy cane and Christmas tree) and the fact that its bottles are decorated by photos submitted by customers. I got bottles that featured a beastly bovine sticking its tongue out (above) and the demented toddler-aged daughter of Satan, peering into my soul (below).
She's thirsty for your soul
How’s it taste, mothertrucker? Confusingly, although it’s a fancy “micro-brew,” this root beer is terrible. Despite the fact they use sugar cane, and other quality ingredients, it has a cheap, watery texture and tasted of licorice and wintergreen. I couldn’t even finish the bottle. It is also one of the more expensive root beers I tested. Is this due to it being from Canada? We may never know. Also, underneath the bottle caps you can find short inspirational messages. I thought that was an interesting touch (kind of like the visual riddles underneath the bottle caps of Lionshead or Natty Boh beers), until their caps admit that they are literally stolen from Chinese fortune cookies.
10. Virgil’s
History: You know at first, I liked Virgil’s root beer. It wasn’t great, but definitely palatable. When investigating the background, I found it to be the most absolutely pretentious beverage in existence. Allow me to illustrate. To start things off, Virgil’s claims that “we’re what Ben and Jerry’s is to ice cream, what Dom Perignon is to champagne.” This is, without a doubt, inaccurate. I’ve never heard of a girl drinking an entire four pack of Virgil’s when they find out their ‘shnookums’ is shnooking someone on the side. Nope, that’s a pint of Chunky Monkey to the rescue. Virgil’s site then proceeds to list all the ingredients, and exactly from where they are imported: Cinnamon from Ceylon, wintergreen from China, balsam oil from Peru, etc. WHO CARES? This is the exact same thing as ‘that guy’ who proudly proclaims that he shops at Whole Foods to buy his imitation fruit loops, pasta and tomato soup. I sent an email to Virgil’s parent company demanding that they send me a list of the people who give a shit where they shop for ingredients. Still waiting on a response. Virgil’s then starts slinging some mud, attempting to explain why other highly touted root beers are inferior, and goes as far as to imply that they are root beer posers:
Some root beers claim to be “cold-brewed.” This is merely another term for the filtering process that yields common soda. Even so-called premium root beers like Stewarts, IBC and Weinhard’s are not hand crafted brews like Virgil’s. Only Virgil’s Microbrewed Root Beer is truly “brewed.”
That’s pretty vicious, Virgil’s. It even continues on their bottles' labels, where one can read about how the root beers of the days of yore were heartier than today’s versions because they used actual roots and native herbs in the brewing process. Of course, Virgil’s root beer is brewed in the same vein as these amazing wonder drinks made by “the original brewers.” Here’s a new slogan for you: “Virgil’s, the only root beer that wears sweater vests and owns a Lamborghini but can’t drive stick.” SUCK IT!
How’s it taste, mothertrucker? Virgil’s definitely has the fullest body of all root beers tasted. You will also find licorice accents, but they’re partially balanced out by vanilla flavor. Vanilla from Madagascar, that is. One of the main ingredients is anise (from Spain), an odd little herb native to the Eastern Mediterranean and Southwestern Asia. It is known to have a licorice-like flavor, the same used in Jagermeister. Why they would make anise and licorice (shipped in from France!) the primary ingredients, I don’t know. I guess it’s just another douchey, pretentious crime that only Virgil’s would commit. I definitely would not want to spill this on anything though, for it would probably be sticky for a decade and would attract more ants than the fallout from a nuclear strike on Hersey, Pa.
Addendum: While waiting to be recycled, an empty bottle of Virgil’s indeed attracted hundreds of ants. Every single one was dead at the bottom of the bottle. Yikes…
9. Pinnacle Root Beer Flavored Vodka
History: Who cares? IT’LL GET YA DRUNK!
How’s it taste, mothertrucker? Like Barq’s. Yea, yea, it’s not really a root beer, but despite being vodka, it’s actually smoother than Barq’s. There are other root beer vodkas out there, but this is the only one that I think is worthwhile. Mixing root beer vodka with root beer may seem like it would be way too sweet, but it’s actually pretty good. In fact, it helped me get through drinking some of these lesser root beers. Which brings me to…
8. Barq’s
History: Coke’s entry into the root beer death match, Barq’s was originally created in New Orleans in 1890 by two brothers named…Barq. And yes, it earns extra credit simply for the fact that it comes out of the French Quarter. For a long time it was not even marketed as a root beer, as to avoid possible legal conflicts with Hires, who had tried to claim a copyright on the title “root beer.” Hires obviously lost. Barq’s was independent and actually had two competing brewing facilities in New Orleans and Biloxi, MS, until purchased by Coca-Cola in 1995. Barq’s is known the world-round as the official drink of Riverdancers.
How’s it taste, mothertrucker? Barq’s slogan is “Barq’s has Bite!” and I find that to be very accurate. The flavor is frankly stabbed to you in the mouth by an over-abundance of carbonation. It has a very generic type of root beer flavor, the kind that you can find in root beer candy barrels, dum-dums, ice cream, lip gloss and even Vodka. It also contains caffeine, which you can take or leave, but thankfully most root beers do not. It’s certainly better than Mug. Also, one of my best friends hilariously called it Bargs. The same friend whom, when I mentioned I’d be writing this list, responded with only “Riooot beerrrdhgrd!” Don’t worry, he’s not insane or Welsh, he just had a lot to drink…
7. Main Street
History: I actually have no idea. I think it’s the store brand from Giant. It could disappear next week and be replaced by “Pop Shop” root beer, or “Great Taste!” root beer or whatever other corny generic title they think of. I got it because it was 25 cents a can.
How’s it taste, mothertrucker? I was pleasantly surprised to find that it is very sweet, smooth, but has slight chemical aftertaste– possibly due to the can. Overall, it has a decent flavor; even a bit of honey.
6. Hires
History: Hires root beer is recognized as the longest continuously brewed soft drinks in the United States, alongside of Vernor’s Ginger Ale. The recipe was created by Elmer Hires in 1876, and he first distributed the drink in powdered packets that would yield five gallons. Hires root beer was marketed with great gusto, and it became massively popular. If I remember correctly, it may have been the first root beer I ever drank; perhaps that explains some of the pretenses of this article…
How’s it taste, mothertrucker? After exhausting a long list of grocery stores, pizzarias, and even dimly-lit produce marts, I just could not find any. It's still on the list because I remember drinking it, thinking it was pretty good. Whelp…
5. IBC
History: This root beer is a survivor of a failed independent brewery syndicate founded in 1919 in St. Louis. IBC stands for Independent Breweries Company (the name of the syndicate), and the owners of the root beer recipe opted to buy the old name and continue to use it for their product. IBC root beer could primarily be found in restaurants and diners. The brand really took off when it was purchased by 7-Up, and distribution grew into supermarkets throughout the Mid-west and South. Today IBC sodas can be found nationally and features flavors like cream soda, black cherry, and cherry limeade.
How’s it taste, mothertrucker? This root beer has a full flavor with a honey persuasion. IBC is an excellent choice for floats, because of the sharp carbonation. IBC uses high-fructose corn syrup instead of sugar cane, molasses or honey to sweeten their soda; that is frowned upon by the judgmental eyes of root beer connoisseurs. I think I care less about that, and more that it does not wow me like it used to when I was younger. That’s why I’ve placed it a bit lower on the list than I figured I would when I first got to work. Both A&W and Stewart’s use high-fructose corn syrup, and they’re great, so you can SIT ON IT!
EEEEEEEEEEEYY!!
4. Dominion
History: There really isn’t much to discuss here; the Old Dominion Brewing Company set up shop in Northern Virginia in 1989. Their root beer recipe was apparently created from old recipes they found laying around the library of Congress. Their bottles have deer on them. Yup.
How’s it taste, mothertrucker? The Honey is where it’s at, baby. The brewer claims that the honey is straight from Virginia, and coupled with sugar, produces a very sweet and rich taste. Dominion also has a wonderfully creamy, full-bodied texture. Definitely try this one out when you can find it; it’s sometimes elusive.
3. Boylan’s
History: William Boylan started by making Birch beer (that oh so wonderful brother of root beer) in his “apothecary” in 1891 and found moderate regional success in New Jersey and New York in the following decades. The business rode a rollercoaster of expansion and retraction until the mid-90s, when it expanded into the form we know today. Boylan’s bottleworks claims to use old-school techniques and ingredients to stay as true as possible to William Boylan’s original recipes. Boylan’s supplants their original and delicious birch beer with many flavors in the same vein as Stewart’s or IBC, including the reason for its place on this list, a root beer.
How’s it taste, mothertrucker? Boylan’s is superbly full-bodied. It possesses an ideal amount of carbonation for a delicious foam head, and has a strong, sweet, vanilla and molasses taste. No crappy flavors like licorice are found here. I was very impressed by this root beer, and I will from here on sing its praises.
2. A&W
History: A&W traces its back story all the way back to the end of WWI, where an entrepreneur named Roy Allen decided to open a stand to sell his root beer for a parade honoring returning veterans in California. After partnering with Frank Wright, they combined their initials and the A&W namesake was born. They opened a permanent drive-in location in the early 20s, and soon became a franchise that spread like a wildfire, growing even during the difficult economic times of the depression and sugar rationing during WWII. Only increasing in popularity in the postwar boom of drive-ins and diner joints, and eventually coming to sell cans and bottles directly to the American people, A&W represents an important part of America’s culinary culture. Also, A&W’s website is www.rootbeer.com. Can’t argue with that, can you?
How’s it taste, mothertrucker? I say it’s the king of the widely available root beers. A&W sports a strong, rich vanilla taste, with enough carbonation to create a good foam cream, rather than simply being fizzy. I’ve been a lifelong A&W fan, and completely flip my shit whenever I see an A&W restaurant. Chowing down on a Big Papa Burger with a tall mug of draught root beer is nothing short of paradise.
1. Stewart’s
History: Stewart’s, just like A&W, started off as a drive-in type stand owned and operated by Frank Stewart, but in Ohio instead of California. Stewart’s business grew as quickly as A&W’s, and actually became competitors when drive-in franchises began to open in proximity to one another. Fortunately for us, the root beer deities allowed both to survive so we can enjoy them today. Stewarts has steadily expanded its drink line-up over the years to include some truly great sodas such as Orange Cream, Key Lime, Cream Soda, Strawberries and Cream, and Black Cherry.
How’s it taste, mothertrucker? Stewart’s is the best of the best. It boasts a medium body where the carbonation creates a wonderful texture for an appreciative palette. It has a sharp taste, which is seemingly absent of licorice or honey. Supposedly, Stewart’s root beer has over 20 varieties of roots, herbs and berries in the recipe. That may seem like overkill, but they obviously know what they’re doing. This is a great choice to make a root beer float. I’d also like to use this opportunity to declare that Stewart’s Cream Soda is, without a doubt, a beverage delivered directly from the hands of God.
I implore you to use this list in conjunction with The Hoffbeast’s two fantastic “best of” articles for burgers and hot dogs; the result will be a totally kick-ass lunch.
Now that I’ve fleshed out the best from the inadequate, I need to share something very important. While researching some of the more prestigious brands, I uncovered a root beer revolution. A&W, Hires, IBC and Stewart’s are all fighting the oppression of Barq’s and Mug (Coke and Pepsi) together, under the banner of the Dr. Pepper Snapple Group. That’s right; four of the top six root beers reviewed are in it together. While I thought this discovery was inspiring enough, this group also owns RC Cola, Canada Dry, Dr. Pepper and 7-up, my preferred lemon-lime soda over Sprite (Coke) and Sierra Mist (Pepsi). The DPSG has over time built an alliance consisting of many of the nation’s independent brands, and now holds some real under-dog potential against the Coca-Cola and PepsiCo empires. Viva La Revolucion!
So now that the list is complete, and I’ve opened your eyes to the soft drink uprising, I invite you to tell me, in detail, why your favorite should be higher, where I got it wrong, or let me know you think I did a good job (thanks Mom!) in the comments section. Let the debate begin!
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Source: http://specialed335.blogspot.com/2010/06/our-old-favorite-root-beer.html
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