17 august 2010 - Pc crash and sollicitation

Lol yesterday my pc crashed. I was having virus alarms and trojans in some files. I have no clue where it came from. Maybe with one of the downloads I did. Anyway my norton kept saying an ip was trying to break through my firewall. I was: hell no buddy! your not breaking into my pc. So I contacted Aldin and also looked online. There was a forum where they tell you what to install and have revieuws of people that done it. I always double and tripple check because it might as well be viruses also. But I saw it was cool and downloaded mal-aware and another anti virus. So I started to clean up all "infected" folders. Apparantly some very important parts of the pc were infected because when I had to restart my pc, it did not want to start back up! it kept on restarting and restarting. I tried everything, pressing some F keys to access the "safety" mode, unplugging the entire thing. Anyway then at one time it came to a blue screen going: fatal error blablabla. I was like: Lol, woopsie. So I explained to dad what happened and he had to work on the pc all evening to fix it. basicly I got a new system + windows 7 and he could restore all my files, like all my pictures and videos, which was cool. But I said: if you cant retrieve it its ok. I dont mind loosing it all, I always see it as a clean slate lol. A blanc computer. But then I was fuck, all the SRA stuff is on there. But anyway, it was restored, except all my software is gone, including photoshop etc...

Also around 4.30 pm a lady called me from a company here which I send a sollictation letter to. She stumbled on some words and I thought: she also is not "perfect", like why do I want to be "perfect", and what is this "perfect", the fear of making mistakes, or not knowing what to say or finding the "right" words. Fuck that. Because I saw her as confident, she called me, and she made an arrangement with me. And at that point my nervousness went away. Because I hear someone who does what I do and is not "perfect" as the system sais what perfect is. And I have to go see her tomorrow at 10 am. Its for a cleaning job. So thats cool. I also went outside and its better to go outside to get over nervousness realising its not real. There were lots of people on the street because there was some stuff going on in our street, like a fest, and I had to pass a lot of people and felt fine and not fearfull at all. Also this weekend im meeting some of the activist people again. Which is cool, because im interacting more with other people and not spending so much time all alone which I am comfortable with.
And I have to let go of the idea that I have to be a certain way, that I have to be "perfect" for the system so the system cannot judge me. And stop hurting myself before another can. Like I tended to do this in my life where I thought someone would say something aggressive or "negative" or judgement, and then I would say it in a joking way to be ahead of them so they couldnt say the "bad" thing.

Frodo is resting on the ground here, his fur is fluffy because he has been in the rain and when it dries its much more fluffy haha its really cute, makes me wanna cuddle him. And the fish keep begging for food all day. But I cant give them all the time they overeat themselves. The one moonfish his tummy is really fat right now. He always goes first to the food before the other fish.

Also yesterday with the pc, when I told dad I felt abit nervous because I thought he might say in an angry voice "what did you do with that pc!". But he didnt, he asked in a normal way what happened. And basicly just fixed it for me. I notice when dad talks to me I often rub the back of my head near the neck, and I noticed he does it sometimes to. I found this on the web; Patting/fondling hair - Lack of self-confidence, insecurity
This is true in my experience. Because it is like a lack of self condidence within me, a sort of fear, because im not used to talking to my dad and because he often goes into defence I get insecure within myself and fearfull when speaking.
Its also a form of comforting yourself, like I am comforting myself while experiencing myself in that way towards my dad.
With body language you just have to look at how you experience yourself inside, and then you know why your doing what your doing, and IF it means something. Not always. Like sometimes my nose itched and i scratched it and thought; people might think im lying now because i touch my nose.
LOL. that in turn shows you how you care about what people think, which is limiting. But also can be effective in utilising the system. It all depends, but you have to make sure your self honest and not bullshit yourself