8/23/2010

Have you ever watched Miss Universe? It was on tonight. I can't believe of all the choices in the world of what to watch or not watch on tv, I choose Miss Universe. I picked all of the winners again. Robert hates when I do that. I guess he thinks that his manliness makes him a better judge of what's beautiful. Nut. Can you hear me say that with sarcasm in my voice? Wait...let me say it again....Nnnutttt. He does this whenever we watch a pageant. Kills me.
So far tonight, Miss Puerto Rico has never made a mistake in her whole entire life and thanks her family for it, Miss Columbia likes her evening dress that shows off her personality she says (is the word personality Spanish for boobs?), and Miss South Africa almost knocked her hip out of socket strutting her stuff.

When I was little, Mama and I would watch these things religiously. I would make mama write down all of the preliminary scores, thus the beginning of my obsession not with pageants as you'd think, but with numbers, calculus, algebra, etc. And, my mother was Mrs. Alabama, so I suppose the pageant blood runs through my veins. I wore her state costume, an antebellum dress in 4th grade for a book report. (I know what you're thinking...I was a fat thing in 4th grade...so, yes...it fit). I also had to have been a bit dramatic (imagine that) to wear a dang costume for a book report.

Now, I can only imagine that the UNIVERSE level is umpteen zillion times more horrible than any other pageant. Has to be. Now, I can't tell you about the bigtime pageants, but I can tell you about Miss Agriculture. Don't laugh. Seriously, Miss Agriculture. When I was a freshman in college, Autauga County asked me to be their rep in Mobile for Alabama Agriculture something, something. They said, "We'll give you money for a wardrobe." And I was there. Now, I'll have you know that the only pageant experience that I had was in 9th grade at my old high school. I won, sniff, sniff...(and smart butt who is saying she must have paid the judges off to win, bite your tongue. daddy paid them, not me.) I couldn't be in the pageant anymore because I won, and that was the end of the road for me at the ripe old age of 14.

Now, thinking that Miss Agriculture was going to be similar to my school pageant, where everyone was a winner, was just stupid thinking. We get to Mobile, and this pageant was in this HUGE place. I'm talking HUGE. We had a meet and greet thing for all of us cow queens. However, it was more a "what does her hair look like and are my boobs bigger than hers" meet and greet. Not a traditional, southern meet and greet. I don't wear much makeup. Never have. Makes my skin smother and my pores choke. But these chicas, oh lord- a hot summer day had to have been their eyelashes worst nightmare.

Realize also, that the professional pageant goers go all the way. I did not know that Miss Ag was a prelim to the Miss Alabama pageant. Nor when I found out, did I care. But the girls who were relying on the pageant to give them whatever self worth they needed, knew it was their way to get the heck out of dodge. WELL, first sign something was wrong was when I show up in last years prom dress. Everyone else....beaded straight pageant dresses that cost their daddy a whole dairy cow. Oh yea. Remember the dress, folks who went to high school with me? It was the big ugly white mermaid dress. Oh...no...not the one that I wore when Joe and I had a wreck the night of prom. That was my Junior year. Oh...no...not the one who's zipper fell apart mid-dance at the Cotton Cotillion either. That was my Sophomore year. This one was just ugly. No catastrophic things occurred in or because of this dress. Wellllll....except for my hair. One should never have poofy shoulders on a dress and wear their hair down.

Ok...back to the pageant. Well, mama stayed in the back with me to help me get dressed. And so did the other girls' coaches, mamas, sisters, etc. I think that had to have been the first time that I saw fake boobs. I almost fell out. Glad I didn't because I would have surely stabbed my head with the honker of earrings that I had on.

So, of course, A is the beginning of the alphabet. Autauga county is the top of the alphabet in Alabama counties, and I was first. And I worked it. There is something about knowing that you're not gonna win. It takes all of the pressure off. So, I made it my goal to flaunt it and make a big fat joke of it. And I did. And I didn't win. Nor did the winner. Or at least that's my opinion.

In a hundred years when my little girl gets nominated for Miss Ag, I will know better. We'll run the opposite direction and laugh our heads off at what Mommy did one time to get a new wardrobe. Lesson? Yea...I don't know if there is one. Maybe the lesson in all of it is to laugh. If it takes wearing a white mermaid dress, just do it and laugh.

I don't know if it's worse that Mario is the MC or this is so overviewed. Still hilarious. Such as.


Source: http://365daysofasoutherngalslife.blogspot.com/2010/08/8232010.html