down and out

sorry for the sad posts, but i just can't say anything else except that i'm down. i'm so down. i'm in my own little world and i'm shutting people out. i don't really want to talk to many people and if i don't answer to you, just leave me alone for a while. i'll be back when i'm ready.
Sam and Tonya warned me this was going to be hard. And the first everything without Brandon will be hard too. First football game, first wrestling match, you get the point. I believe everything they say now. Because there is no denying either, it's hard. it's crazy how much i miss him. every day i miss him. i can't even imagine being Hailey. not very often do i find people (athletes really) that i think about every day, but he was one of them. he was so special. i even let him take my car. i only have a few others that are this way with me.
i should accept it and move on but for some reason i can't. or just don't want to maybe. it's going to take a while for me to be okay again i think. i try to do good most of the time and i catch moments when i am really good, but then i feel like i need to be sad. because i couldn't save him. i failed at the one thing i try to do. fix people, help them, protect them. The retarded part is that i know it's okay that i couldn't save him and that i probably couldn't have saved him anyway. In my brain i know this but in my heart i feel something else. it's this constant battle between good and evil. i am good with it sometimes and not so good with it other times. I know he wouldn't want me to be sad about it either. he wasn't like that. so i do my best, but right now it's just not the best me.

Source: http://kordygirl.blogspot.com/2010/08/down-and-out.html