drugs!! a brave woman??

Well I think I now have definitive “proof” that google analytics is utter crap and doesn’t work.
Which I sort of had assumed as I dialled into the blog from another computer - not mine, a week ago, and the following day google analytics still said “0 views”……

Thing is because despite possible evidence to the contrary I am rather humble, certainly NOT arrogant, and had actually assumed that no one would even be reading this………haqd come to that realsiation a few weeks ago…………quite amazing really I’ve still despite that (I believed analytics) soldiered on………..

The “proof” - wasn’t intended for this reason - was totally sincere - I’m not that clever - don’t want to be, anyway a few days ago I upload 30 vid clips and put a note here saying if anyone wants to see something maybe a bit represenetetive then look at the following vid

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tw7AO7m3970

I really do not sit there looking at my numbers - very bad state to get into, but, well I’ve hqad a bit of a testing toime of late - yes real hunger, so half of me says what is my “priority…” kinda right at the precipice, and I think “wonder if the vids have any viewers - that’s a point, if the posted (here) clip has more than the rest it measn there are viewers…..and what do you know 7 viewers to that clip when all the others put up the same time have 0 or 1 or 2 at most………..

So I am saved the chore of bothering with Google analytics………….it categorically is rubbish………….

And knowing I have some viewers well I had better finish off this “task”. Today’s piece is nearly ready…..it does go all the way……….trying to keep it shorter and more human life-and-death…which without being too melodramatic I think it is……I know one thing for sure, one person who I love is in more of a mess over what “happened” than I will ever be. It may not seem like it. This is “for” her.
The most important thing I have “done” online (ever - more so than any campaign site of stupid faecbook procrastinating) is to put up to Youtube a few video clips from Janauray and December.

You can see them in this play list if you have not already looked
The play list comes up (right of screen)
http://www.youtube.com/user/estianddad#p/c/39FB328205DC28CC

Playtlist title:
Esti Clayton Adele Nozedar Decemeber 2009 Jan 2010

They are the only videos I cannot myself watch. Too hurtful - and I know why - not sentimental hurtful, not too painful memories, (well yes actually) but more than that thye ask the question “did Esti and I have a chance?”………..

Because Esti with Adele - and I think you can see even from those few clips true love - really comfortable easiness - they had only known each other a week! In reality………but what is the “story” behind (next post on stories) you see what it maybe really is is that Adele was the one brave person we met who knew EVERYTHING, Adele and I actually consummated what had been bubbling away between us since November BECAUSE Esti’s mother on 17th December launched war the day we did. I was meant to be at a Christmas concert with Esti that night but I was left in a laybye the psychopath refusing to even confirm if Esti was there - refsing to pick up her phone………and Adele then phoned me saying she was nearby - well actually typical Adele making an ironic plot of it all - “miles away….” turned out she was 3 minutes away….lovely fun…... And we got together.

Anyway,, yes so she is so fucked up about childhood - her own, she knew that I had a pretty ongoing nightmare - INNOCENTLY being battled over my utterly beloved child……….so either she is the maddest most conceited woman I have ever met - to think for a moment we had a chance……..or very brave…..to have let that major connection between her and my daughter be the wonderful thing it immediately became…………….

As I think you can see in some of those clips……

And I have a right to ask that question………..one day maybe I’ll find an answer.

As Adele writes in her 21 things (at the right) - and I hadn’t even though about this, we have something in common - she wrote there something like “don’t worry the jokes will start soon…” and I have tried to put the same spin here and there myself - say that I will do that here…in so many words…………but of course that is the big deal - what has happened effects people’s lives……jokes? Hard……

She, so deep down unhappy, made regular digs at me : “you don’t make me laugh….”And this blog has always been for her…and esti…….but jokes ….I wish I could. That is what I NEED more than anything……….but we have some serious stuff that needs a good way forward found. Friends.
That said there IS something rather funny in the next post - I am pretty much “against” drugs nowadays - of any form, so so glad that I ,,managed to put in my past any tendency to abuse - especially the booze………..I will have a puff on a spliff, only in some exceptional moment, about every 4 or 5 years………by complete ACCIDENT I got pot-stoned yesterday………at 8am………that is the real reason I didn’t write anything and if I did I bet it is incoherent……….

I’ll tell this funny episode a bit later today……….it did actually screw the day……I’ve got to get something light into this as the next few posts - well it isn’t about winning or losing, even “good” or “bad”….it isn’t even about “truth”. It is about being fucking brave enough to stick by your beliefs, even in some pretty tough circs - and I am not talking hunger, hunger is a sinch next to a brave person in an utter mess who may either be the saddest story of “our” (me and est) whole life, or as I would wish in years to come the person who I can talk to my child about saying “well that was a hairy ride but my instinct turned out to be right in the end and she made a DIFFERENCE…which was exactly what I thought she might want to, even though she was stuck in the world of the conceited esoterica and dreadful Hay-new-money lot when I met her.)

If anyone is judging me - give me a few hours. It is time to get really grown up here.

(and no the morning stoned didn’t really help - it’s a stupid drug ….indeed as exhippy know only too well how conceited it does make people)

Source: http://estianddad.blogspot.com/2010/08/drugs-brave-woman.html