The Next Step

I think losing this house after fifteen years of living here has taken me through a short journey of grieving.

At first I felt shock and denial. Maybe there was a way to avoid this, to fix it. We simply couldn't lose this place after all these years, all these memories. I cried every single night in the shower and until I fell asleep, frantically trying to hide it from my daughter to spare her any fear or worry.

After that, the pain and guilt came. We are losing it and it felt as though our memories built here were being torn from my chest. I thought of all the things I would be "leaving" behind. I felt guilty we hadn't done a better job protecting our future, protecting our level of solvency. I felt guilty I was making my daughter leave the only home she had ever known.

Then the anger and bargaining began. How dare they (the mortgage company) not work with us when, until this disaster hit, we'd always been reliable, responsible homeowners. How dare they steal away our home without a backward glance, without trying to help us save it when there is all that stimulus money (OUR tax dollars) for them to pocket. Maybe if we talked to them. Maybe if we reasoned with them.

Next, the depression hit. I felt alone in my sadness, abandoned. All I could think of were the "memories" and how they would be left behind (irrational, I know). I thought of how Rachel's measurements mark one wall over the years, how life would be irretrievable different now. How we would leave this little neighborhood and never come back. Crying was my most frequent action once again.

The upward turn came after that. What a welcome relief. Okay, maybe it wasn't such a bad thing we were going through after all. Maybe a fresh, new start was just what we needed. Maybe letting someone else worry about repairs in a rental wouldn't be so hard to accept. It would open doors in the future for where we live when we retire, what we do.

Now I'm at the functioning level - working through it all. We faced facts and found a new place to live, found boxes (thanks Judy!!), found things we could live with out and made decisions that will make moving better for us. We're actually packing now!

Acceptance and Hope. It is what it is. I look at the future in a new place, a place we will rent, with hope and anticipation, seeking out the positives. We are lucky to remain in our same ward so we don't have to leave our church family. We are lucky to be in the same school district, the same school, even. We are lucky to only be about four blocks further west than we have been for 15 years. We will be all right. This is what the Lord has in store for us and it will be better than what we have had these last couple of years.

Those steps moved through, I now just I want to move past all the packing and then unpacking in our new home. I look forward to settling in and getting into a routine. And everything will be okay. I know it. With a little help from my good friends.......