The Pickup

This has a better chance of picking me up than yo ass.

The art of the pickup line. And yes, it is an art. There was an entire douchebaggery show dedicated to it.

Ladies, you know what I'm talmbout. All of you*. You're walking down the street, swaying those cheeks and all of a sudden, some ninja rolls up on you spittin' game. Sure, there's nothing wrong with spittin' game (as opposed to runnin' game), but I think most women would rather a guy come with some pro skills instead of some "warming the bench" ish. Unfortunately, the latter happens more often. So much more often that there's no way I'm able to include each and every one that I've heard, so I figured I'd share a few and leave the rest to you. I give, you give. Baddabing.

So, without further ado...

Five Pickup Encounters Cheekie Has...um...Encountered.

1. The Smile Request. Probably the most popular of them all. You know the scene. You're walking with a "(-_-)" face (aka...a normal face) and some ninja tells you to "Smile!" Excuse, me, is this Candid Camera? No? Well, smile deez. Ok, to be honest, it depends on the approach and if he foine. If he comes correct, I'd probably let a smile escape. But, I'm just a "smiley" person. Seriously, I wish I had 5 bucks for everytime I got the "smiley" nickname. Gotta use these cheeks for somethin'. o_O So, it's not like I don't smile (a lot), but come on, dude. Like, how would I look with a perpetual smile on my face, just walking down the street on some "I'm a happy nicca!" ish? Like a psycho fool, correct? Correct.

2. The Friendship Request. Not some Facebook type stuff (that's a whole 'nother topic...lol), I just wanted to call it that to be cutesy. Naw, I'm talmbout this. It's real familiar:

Quan'And're: Yo, Ma, throw me 'dem digits.

ShayLeandra: I'm married.

Quan'And're: But, I'm sayin' tho', you don't want a friend?

ShayLeandra: *Facebook Request Pending Face*

Yeah...no. No one short of a 2nd grade mentality thinks dudes who approach women are sincere in their friendship proposition. Which only comes up after the fact. Stop lying to yourself. Stop lying to Jiminy Cricket. Everyone knows you wanted more than friendship due to the fact that you obviously stepped to her on some "I'll holler" mess. Fail.

3. The BackPedal. Picture you shimmying down the street, minding your own beeswax. A dude approaches you, hollerin'. You reject him in the nicest way possible and he hits you with the "You ain't all'at anyway." Um, o_O. I'm not? So, why you approach me? I love how I was cute until the very moment I rejected you. Because of that, everything you say henceforth is invalid. Douche.

4. The Grunt. Probably the grossest of them all. Stop grunting at me. I mean, you sound like Puumba. Not sexy. Plus, when a dude grunts when I pass by -- and he's usually older than Nebuchadnezzar -- I inevitably have to imagine him thinking sexy thoughts about me, which is completely vomit-inducing. Men, please stop with this Neanderthal crap. I'd rather take "Ay yo shawty" than the simple grunt. Effing gross.

5. The Fake Swag. Actual pickup encounter...

Cheekie: *walking down the streets of downtown Chi in that Cheekie way*

Some Nicca: Ay, girl!

Cheekie: *sighs inwardly* *smiles at him*

Some Nicca: Can I get yo number?!

Cheekie: *shakes head and laughs, playin' the "surely you jest" role*

Some Nicca: But, I got the iPhone!

Cheekie: O__________O *dies laughing*

Hip, hip, motherlovin' hooray for you. If it weren't 2010 (where there are probably great-grandmas with smartphones), I'd throw you a party. I briefly considered going #TeamCrackBerry because of this ninja**. Was I supposed to automatically offer my panties because he was properly welcomed into the future? I LOVE how this was his selling point. That one is going down in the history books. Your kids will be learning about that one. In public school, though. Shots. Fired***.

Aiight, Pinchers it's your turn! That goes for you, too, male Pinchers! Women spit game, too. I know it doesn't happen as often, but it happens. What were the worst experiences of said game spittin'?

All this spittin' got me jonesin' for some Bodie scenes from The Wire. As you were...

Love ya like (the fictionalized) Ike Turner loves making sure Anna Mae eats the cake****,

Cheekie

*Yup, you read that right. ALL. Anywhere that has homeless dudes, any woman is fair game. Even if you happen to look like an albino platypus, they'll holla. Which is why they're pretty dope. They make everyone feel special.

**Yeah, right, like I could ever leave you, Mac. *bites Apple*

***I'm a product of public-schooling. Thus, I'm allowed to fire said shots. You private school ninjas would get shanked, though. Allegedly.

****Seriously, someone please make my life and tell me this scene is not dramatized and actually happened?

Source: http://pinchmycheekie.blogspot.com/2010/08/pickup.html