The Rabbit Hole

How much honest thought do we bring to the table…? How many of our reflections are naked and raw…How much of our thinking is pure, untainted by distraction or agenda, or fear? For me, these moments come so rarely, I’d all but forgotten what they were like until tonight.

I’ve always wanted to be smart, to be a thinker, a “knower”. I wanted to be smart because I wanted to be better. I realized tonight, I’m not a smart person; in fact, I realized tonight that there is nothing above average about me at all… I’m quite average and quite normal.

I don’t have an above average since of style, or wit. My taste in music, wine, and food are all just so-so… When it comes to physical prowess, I’m 5’9 and a little chunky in the mid section these days. I can’t run a half mile without almost passing out. I’m not an artist, I’m not a great writer, I’m not a great poet, and I’m not a great lover; I’m simply “okay” at all that I do.

Here is a bit of irony: In all my pretending to be something better than what I am, I think I might have managed to master one thing in these 33 years which is being a fake. I can’t help but wonder what things I might have excelled at if I’d of only realized this shit sooner.

“If a man is called to be a street sweeper, he should sweep streets even as Michelangelo painted, or Beethoven played music, or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should sweep streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and earth will pause to say, here lived a great street sweeper who did his job well. Martin Luther King, Jr.”

Very true Words from the Great MLK. So I sit here, having lived 3.3 decades of an existence, I wonder to myself “If I’m simply mediocre, if I have no absolute gift that points me in the direction of my ‘destiny’ then what in the Holy Hell am I to do?”

As soon as I ask the question, I receive an answer. Before I was good at being a fake, I was good at being a friend. Before I learned to shoot at someone who outdrew me, I was great at loving people; It's the only thing I’m “called” to do. Be a good friend, one who is there for those around me… Everything else is trivial. I don’t need to make a living at it either. I do have to earn a living, but my job is not who I am.

I don’t have to worry about all that now. I’m no one to the world and that’s okay because there are a few people in my life that I am SOMEONE to. The World, What kind of an EFFED-UP, sinking ass ship has The World come to anyhow? We’re all so programmed that we’re all so god-damned Famous.

Well, I’m out. I’m taking the Red Pill and I’m going to find out deep the rabbit hole goes (a little Matrix humor). I bid you adieu World… Monty as I know him… I have things to focus on and they are about as meaningless to anyone reading these words as could possibly be. But to me, they are life, to my family; they are a sigh of relief, its time for me to be me.

I think I’ve done a lot of damage in the past, I’m sorry for it. I have no excuse bit I do want to say the words, and I really am sorry for being a terrible person, I terrible friend, a terrible lover, and even employee if I was.

I was blind.

Source: http://phase-number-two.blogspot.com/2010/08/rabbit-hole.html