To all

I'm tired. I'm done. I don't wanna put up with this feeling anymore. I didn't cry. My eyes got really watery, but then I remembered what Ray Watson told me Mark Willis kept saying "you can't break what's already broken"

The tears went away.

I think I love writing when my heart is broken. I wrote a song... For.. Yea.. That one. And... Well, I like it. It's my very own special way to let my feelings out. The big ones. However, i doubt I'll show it to anyone... Jenny only heard half. I cut it in 2. I never wanted to finish it... But I did.

Eh. I feel like I don't wanna talk about It. Eh. Right now, I don't even think that we will stay as friends. Right now, I don't think that would work... It will get awkward. It will. I just know it.

All the stupid little things we did as friends will die out. Slowly, but in time.

I don't mind if I lose a friend. I saw it coming and prepared myself.

I wanna go back to my old friends. To Ruth and Blanca. To Bhumi and Micah. To the coolest people you will ever find on this world. I wanna go back. I wanna leave all my band experience and all of my band people behind.

I know she would never do it, but Jovana should go back to Mark. At least she knows it's not Mark pushing her away, but F.E.A.

In this case, I'm afraid I will push her to extremes.

I want my old people back. I want my old life back. I really do.

I mean, why am I always left to be second- no! Last. Why?

I mean, some people, like the golden child (pun deeply intended), got everything they wanted and more! I never did... (now, I should pause and say, sure, half the time they've worked really hard. And have family issues. And are "troubled"' and blah blah blah. WELL! SO DOES THE REST OF THE WORLD!!)

My mom hates me and wants to potentially kill me, my dad, what the fuck does he know about me. We haven't spoken in more than a year!! Half of my friends like the "fake" Richard. The "fun and entertaining guy" they see in drill team practice. Yay! We love that Richard. But nobody cared to ever ask about me. I mean, as a friend. Not even Jovana. She just insisted me to tell her. Cause I helped her, so she wanted to return the favor.

Ok. I lied. There has only been one.

Tania.

I don't know. There's something about Tania. Something that makes me just... Eh. I don't know.

She's innocent. I'm not.

Tania used to see me As her mortal enemy. She hated me. Like, she would scream at me if she had to. She would hate my guts! She would even hate the mentioning of my name.

But, I don't know what happened. We clicked. She says I actually cared about her. That I was the only to ask her, about... Well, her. She said that I was the only person she has cried to while speaking to them. She said she- she said lots of things.

But, she's not here. She's with... Them. Well, I know she hates choosing sides. But sadly, Tania is indeed with them. With Ray and Guadalupe and Mark and Alejandro. With.. Them.

She hated me when I told her that. That she chose a side. it was the truth though. She... Left me. Yea. I know. Kinda selfish of me.. But I don't know why but that broke my heart. It was the first of many blows...

The second blow you can say is when we grew distant. We just went our own way. Talking less and less each day. Not even in the hallways.

It's like the old Tania. The one that hated me. But this one refused to hate me. I don't know why. It killed me.

I asked her once. "can we go back to the old times, the times that you would hate me for no explicable reason...?"

(Can we?)

She said no. She told me that we knew too much about the other, even though we pretended we didn't.

I hated that answer. That was like the third blow. It just left me thinking... "why are we pretending?!? Why can't we be like before. When we would talk normally. When we would sit in lunch and discuss all the stuff in the world. when you would laugh and say my name all Tania-like with the little Tania-like smile and the Tania face. The one we never got to solve... Because we just stopped talking."

I've tried to say it to Tania that I need her. But that wouldn't be right. That would be selfish. That's why I kept quiet. That's why I always speak in riddles to her. Because I'm horrible with words. And I never know what to say...

It's as if I have a plethora of needs that only Tania can satisfy. As if she's the true Panacea to my problems. The one that can cure my asinine behavior. I need Tania Bello.

Speaking of Tania, today I saw Monsters Inc. That's Tania and my thing. Since our talking late at night was taken by Mark. I was reminded of Tania so much when I saw that movie. One, cause of the 13 inch tall James P. Sullivan holding a tiny mike Wasouski, I gave Tania. And number dos, that Boo is as childish and playful as Tania :) I can just picture Tania saying "Kitty!" just like boo does.

Oh! Oh! And the little girl from despicable me :D "IT'S SOO FLUFFY!" I smiled and pictured Tania with an upward pointing pony tail and talking about Unicorns (which she already does)

Eh, I treated Tania like my little sister (even if she's older, and hated the idea with a passion) I think that's what pushed her away. Sure. Let's go with that. It was the "sister thing"

Now, I'm not quite sure how I went from Feeling like crap, to Tania.

Eh. I gotta remember that she's gone. And no matter how much I want my Tania back, she will never come back. I guess she's better off on the other side of the lake. With THEM.

Tania, yea. I know. You're not with "them". You don't fit in with "them". But... You do. And you are with them. Even if you don't like choosing sides... You are...

Eh. I'll just try to go back. Back to Ruth and Bhumi and Micah. Back!

Imma plead Jovana to go back. To talk to Mark. To settle this issue. For her to go back.

If I were Mark, I know I would be really really sad if a person I entrusted all my secrets to would go fraternizing with the potential "enemy". That my friend would just leave me. No. I won't let that happen. I won't take her. She has to go back to Mark.

"if I can't have all of you, I'll have none of you"

I'll try to relive my once "normal" life, while I keep my Naval science life. Trick CO baby. All day err day!

Will I stay in band? Eh. Idk. Maybe. The point is, i won't rely on the band people to continue my life. I'll concentrate on the cool people like Melinda, Kiara, Jordan, and Rene. Forget about the rest. All but Felix. Felix is one of the cool ones :) oh! And Glenn. He's cool too.

Eh. Ok. I think happy thoughts now. So I go sleep. Damn. I'm hungry. I lost 5 pounds since I got here. Fml. And tomorrow morning, im going running!

:)

Over and out!

-Mons†er!

Source: http://monster1494.blogspot.com/2010/08/to-all.html