Today Was Just An Emotional Fest....

Well, as you know from yesterday (which I haven't typed up yet, but I will soon!!!) I had a pretty horrible day yesterday. The only person on the team who I actually really, really enjoy talking to and hanging out with in general is Zoë and she quit. UGH. She was usually the last person but I swear, I think she would've been fucking awesome if she gave it 2 weeks more weeks. I mean she came from this all girls Catholic private school and she was on the XC team last year there and, although, I only saw about 2-3 meets that she did she got like a 26 and 29 minute 5k time. Dude, that is better than I ever got at a meet! I mean, shit, she only just started running again after so long and I wish she would just come back. Yes, I am aware that it sounds like she's been gone for forever when in reality its only been a day. I told her she has to really think about it over the weekend. I pretty much begged her all day. SHE CAN'T LEAVE ME ALONE WITH THE FRESHMAN. But then again, here's a girl who quit figure skating after 6 years of spending thousands of dollars on…

Not too mention that yesterday was that God awful magic fucking mile. And although I beat my time by a minute and a half (but I swear, I honestly think I've done better than that!!!!!!!!) I am still upset. (BTW this is really weird writing todays post and not having wrote yesterdays. I'm seriously going to write this as if yesterday's was written already)..

So, I told coach yesterday that I quit the team but you and I both know that I just can't quit. I think it's just a yearly thing; I'm going to say that it's just something I have to do at least once every cross country season. Anyway, I show up at practice. I'm wearing my 2008 XC shirt (when I was a freshman) that I love so much and these teal Nike shorts (note: I couldn't find the exact color) that are awesome but I don't have any money to buy another colored pair. : ( Anyway, so, I go to the hallway where we always meet at. There were a ton of people because it's the school play auditions! I am sad that I couldn't audition because I know Coach won't like it if I miss a lot of practice if I got a part, but at least I'll be a techie.

I set my my book bag and heavy text books in the corner thing with some of the other XC members backpacks. The two lovebirds go off somewhere and Coach tells me (even though I'm not looking at him) that me and T (one of the freshman boys; the one I tolerate most) can go start our warmup. Only this other freshman who came to the summer practices but his mom made him do football, since it apparently will "benefit him more," was taking pictures for the yearbook. Now, I'm usually one of those people who hates pictures but um, I don't really know why but dammit, I just like being in the yearbook for clubs and especially for sports! It took like forever to take a picture because T. wouldn't come over to pose (we had to pretend like we were stretching or something) and then the lovebirds came outside and we all took a group picture and I reluctantly got in it. T. had to, like, put his arm around my neck and he pressed our faces together. LMFAO. I have to admit, I cracked a smile.  And so we begin running around the school.

The soccer team wasn't out yet because they had this scrimmage (where they're would be people coming to watch them as if it were an actual game....they don't do this for the girls!! UGH!). So, I came in 2nd, right after T. and the two lovebirds came in after me. I see the sophomore, freshman from last year who used to get on my nerves but it's all good now talking to the coach. I went into biology where he has it  7th hour and told him that I was absolutely going nuts now that he has a job and he isn't on the team anymore. He said he'd think about cutting his hours short. I walked over to Coach's car where the sophomore was and we talked for a bit and he left and then I went to go stretch.

I hadn't spoken a word the coach. It was awkward. I wasn't exactly mad at him but yeah. D, the other freshman (not T. Or Co of the Lovebirds) had his iTouch on and was listening to it even though Coach told him to put it away. Coach tells him to go put it in his gym locker again, and D. tells him he doesn't know the the combo and T. tells him and Coach is annoyed that it's taking such a long time and meanwhile I'm just laying on the ground since I'm done stretching. Coach decides that we should just go ahead and leave without him because he should've already put it up in the first place so we head out. We are assigned to do a 5k. I've done this trail lots of times and I think I'm the only one.

I was actually really glad that we were running this. As I was running it, I noticed that unlike my previous years of running this trail, it didn't feel to drag on in on. One minute I'd be on this street and the next minute, a different street. Coach and T. were in front of me, probably keep at least an 7:30 pace and I was after them, with probably a 10 minute pace (hopefully), and the two lovebirds were in the back of me, but not too far. I didn't walk any of the first mile. Then, I got to the stoplight, but I quickly ran across the street even though it didn't say go because it really irks me when I'm definitely in front of someone and they catch up with me because of the damn light. Haha, and I didn't want them to get in front of me. So, I do start walking a bit for the next .5 miles (it's 1.5 going and then another 1.5 back to the school) and as Coach and T. were running back Coach (and T.) hive fived me, or at least attempted. I kinda gave T. one but not Coach, really. Anyways, I finally get to the stoplight, which is the ending point for the way there and see this Private boys schools XC team running. I swear, you can always catch them running with no shirts on in this area. Haha. But I start running back and walking a little. I'm trying to hurry up because I don't want them to catch up with me. When I get to the other stoplight, the cars are going and I don't even wait, I just went ahead because they were really close to me. Anyway, I start running and then walking but then I pretty much run the whole way back.

I swear, I see Coach. I guess he must have already finished, because I swear a flash of red (and he was wearing a red shirt today) and I've been looking back to see if the lovebirds are behind me (they're not so close anymore) and I don't see the red anymore. I go up and see that there is a little kid in red, but I'm not losing my mind. I'm sure I've seen Coach and he likes to hide because he knows how much I hate him watching me. But, I always know when he's trying to hide because he thinks I can't see him. But either way, I finally get the school. You know, I'm kinda upset that he's not there to see that I finished before the two lovebirds, I want him to know that I finished, but I don't see him anywhere.

I go inside the school and get a long drink of water and go outside where I see T. We both head back in to go find them and as I'm getting another drink, I see Coach, the lovebirds and the other freshman who had to put is iTouch up and I guess didn't run at all. So, I haven't said a word to Coach pretty much all day and Coach pulls me by my shirt (but not in such a demanding way or anything) and tells me, "Bianca, lets go talk." and I'm like, "NO. IT'S FINE." because I wasn't sure what exactly he wanted to talk to me about, but I knew it had something to do with either yesterday or today or both or something.

We pretty much talked about how I had to start taking compliments (I've heard this all before)..[okay, I'm just going to write this in play form]

Me: I just don't like compliments!! And just so you know, you really shouldn't have invited my parents. My stupid father folded the meet schedule and then ripped it.
Coach: He probably ripped it because you were yelling at him.
Me: No. He ripped it because he's mean to me.
Coach: Here's my problem. You called your mom and told her the time chanced to 5:50, even though it didn't. But your dad was here at exactly that time and you still were mad at him for showing up late.
Me: Okay, I admit I did that but that wasn't really why I was mad at my stupid father. I just don't want them to come to my events.
Coach: You know what I think?
Me: I'm sure you're going to tell me anyway. Right?
Coach: I think that once you saw the other parents come you were mad and upset that your weren't there.
Me: NO. That is absolutely the last reason why I was angry. The LAST reason.
Coach: Then, what's the first reason?
Me: Um, well, I don't like running on the track for one and I don't feel comfortable running in front of you guys.

{Note: I can't remember when exactly, but Coach definitely, said things like, "don't yell at me Bianca." and I said, I wasn't and then he said, "Well, at least be respectful." and I sincerely was not trying to be rude to him.}

Coach: Bianca. Do you feel comfortable around anyone?
Me: Yes. I feel comfortable in front of quite a few people, in fact. Zoë, but she quit. Katie, but she graduated and wasn't really on the team. And my friends who don't judge me. I just...I don't know.
Coach: So, you don't don't feel comfortable running around me?
Me: Uhh. Not really. But, I mean, you just. You point out my nervous ticks that I only do when I'm around people who I'm not comfortable around....
Coach: Bianca, you do have many nervous ticks. And you do them even when I'm not watching. Like, earlier, I saw you walk and look back (this was what I mentioned earlier! See. I wasn't going crazy!) when you thought I wasn't watching...(previously he asked if I walked, I saw yes. And he asked where and he said careful how I answer this. But I told him him I only walked a little on the way back..)
Me: NO. Actually, I saw you. But I know you didn't think that I saw you. But I did. But anyways, yeah,  I feel comfortable around nonjudgemental people.

No here's the part where its starts getting a bit awkward....
Coach: You know, I probably talk to you more than any student at this high school and definitely talk to you more than any of the others on the team. I feel that you should be able to confide in me. I really do...
Me: I know. It's just that you...you're so optimistic and I don't think you'd understand my problems.

(here's where the freshman that didn't do the run comes in and coach goes to talk to him.) and I just sit down on the ground and coach is mad at him because he has potential and he's not doing what he should. I'm just covering my eyes on my knees and plugging my ears because I'm so close to them and I don't want to hear and I know I look crazy because I'm rocking slowly at this point but I just feel that it could be me that he's mad at and yeah. Some other kids that I know come up and tap me on the shoulder and I stop rocking and Coach has just turned the corner and I get up. We got out of practice early and Coach told us he wanted us to go to the soccer scrimmage for at least 15 minutes. I go get my stuff and walk out the to the field.

And here's where it gets really emotional and blah blah blah.

So, I set my heavy textbooks on the end of the bleachers and ask if he was done talking to me he says no and we go over to the entrance of the field and started talking. I put my textbooks and backpack on the grass because I figure it's going to be a long talk. I forget what order of things we talked about or whatever, so I might just do bullet points or maybe this will be way out of order.

I tell him that the main reason why I don't feel as if I can confide in him [it was funny because I said confidant but only said confident haha. anyway.] because..okay back to script like..
Me: now, don't get offended but you come off to be as very conservative
Coach: *insert a little chuckle*
Me: and like, you are the exact opposite of me. You hate gays, I'm a feminist and you are definitely no..
Coach: What have I ever done that would give you that idea?
Me: Well last year, you saw this car in the parking lot and saw a woman teacher get in and went, "Oh. Well, she can't afford that. I bet that her husband bought that." And he then calls over the volleyball coach/PE teacher woman who scares me.
Coach: So, Bianca here thinks that I'm sexist *and tells her what I said. And she goes "Well, us teachers make $5 an hour and the school nurse makes like $2 an hour" so it would have to be her husband."*
Me: Well, can't it be her grandmother or aunt or girlfriend?! Why does it have to be the husband.

Moving on...
Me: Please, just don't ever invite my parents again.
Him: Bianca, it is my job to inform parents of events. And I only called your mom. Your parents just want to support you.
Me: NO THEY DONT! DO YOU REALIZE THAT MY MOM DIDNT EVEN GET OUT THE CAR. SHE DOESN'T CARE. AND MY DAD ONLY CAME BECAUSE HE FELT OBLIGATED. AND HE RUINED MY SCHEDULE!
Coach: Do you want another schedule? Tell me why you don't want your parents there?
Me: Would you want to invite a parent that abuses their child.

*INSERT LONG AWKWARD SILENCE*
Coach: Um. I didn't know. I want invite your father again.
Me: Yeah, well...

Okay, I skipped something... Rewind. 
Coach: But you're jumping down my throat today! You're making so many assumptions about me and accusing me of hating gays when 3 of my neighbors are gay and they come over a lot. My wife's best guy friend is gay and he comes over to our place all the time. Do you not want to talk to me because I'm religious and you're not?
Me: Um. I'm religious!
Coach: Are you? Because every time I say the word God you roll your eyes.
Me: I do not! I just think...I don't know. But I definitely believe in God. Look, look at my wristband, it's says "GODSTRONG. Eph 6:10-11"
Coach: Do you believe in Jesus?
Me: Yeah....

Also, here is another part of our convo
Me: I sometimes think that you hate me. Like you don't even want me on the team. I mean, if you had to pick 2-3 people to be on the team, I wouldn't be one of them. In fact, I think I'd be the last person you choose. I mean, I definitely have the worst times.
Him: Bianca, I've been trying to get this through your head. I don't care about the times. I mean, I honestly think that you could be doing 8 mile pace for a 5k and that you don't push yourself. I mean, you're a lot smarter than I ever was as a junior but that brain of yours, that mental part, this is a mental sport and you can only train your brain.
Me: I know. I just. I mean, I don't know. I honestly feel as if I'm not good enough. You probably hate that I'm on the team.

And, my mom calls and tells me that she's at the school (wow. and on time, too) as Coach and I are walking to the back where his car is so he can give me a new schedule. On the way there, I guess the subject of my parents came up once again and I was like, "so, you're never going to invite them, right" and I forgot exactly what he said to that. But he did say in a sigh, "I mean, whenever I tell my mom you did good at a practice or a meet she is so distant and it was like she didn't even care." This part hurt me the most, because it is sooo true. Like, she hates picking me up and she's not supportive like other parents I see. I just wanted to cry.

So, he's in his car, and he's like, "Bianca. You can't keep pushing me away. Especially when I'm on your side. You are going to lose me like this." and I start to cry a little because he's right and I tell him so.  He hands me a the blue schedule and even makes a comment about there not being any dents in it except for a tiny one because I'm so OCD about paper.  I have so many books in my hand that everything is starting to fall and he offer's to help and I go, "NO. I'm fine." and go to the curve and run my book on the schedule to try to get the little wrinkle out and put it gently in my Chemistry book.

Now, here is like the part of our conversation before I left that really got me. As were walking back to the front, he looks at me, even though I still have my head down and goes, "Oh and for the record, I would pick you first." Oh my God. I just really wanted to break down and cry because he is such a nice coach and I shouldn't be distant towards him and blah blah blah. He says that he enjoys talking to me, too, which is odd considering few people like hearing me talk.

But yeah, that last line just got me. I mean, come on?! Does that not sound like a movie line? Like, the ending to a really sad movie or equally dramatic.

We'll see how tomorrow goes.

Bianca

Source: http://thestrangeirony.blogspot.com/2010/08/today-was-just-emotional-fest.html